I see my anxiety (and my depression) as a person who lives inside my brain. It’s not a nice person. I haven’t named it and it doesnt have a gender, but I hate it with a passion. It hates me too. It tells me everyday. It tells me I’m worthless. It tells me I’m ugly. It tells me I’m not loved (romantically, even on my bad days I know my family loves me) and I never will be. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll always scare everyone away. I’ll always be too intense. I’ll always be too much. I will always push people away, and they will always stop trying to get close.
Tonight my anxiety sees me as worthless and it’s filling my brain with lies. Dumping them in by the bucket full. Tonight it’s favorite lie is “You’re good enough for sex, but never for love.” And “People will only love you until they find something better.” Tonight I’m able to recognize these lies and know that they are wrong. Which is the first step toward recovering from the worst anxiety days, I don’t believe my anxiety will ever go away, but I do have the power and the strength to cope with it and learn to battle. Im glad I can recognize these lies tonight. Most nights I’d be sitting here crying as these lies invade my brain. Most nights I’d believe the lies. Most nights I’d help my anxiety out and add my own cruel thoughts to the mix. But tonight, my confidence is high. I am beautiful. I’m doing my best. My anxiety cannot defeat me.
Tomorrow I will wake up, go to church, and go visit friends. I will know that I am loved. I will know that I’m appreciated. I will know that I am more than what my anxiety thinks about me.