I spent today with that boy again. The one who promised me forever and then chose to walk away. The last couple times we worked together I was ok because I knew he was in a similar boat. He wasn’t in the same boat because he left my boat and he sailed away, but at least his boat was similar. But now he’s gone off and gotten himself a new boat. He’s sharing that boat with someone else now. My boat is still empty and its lonely. Ionosphere my boat is floating upstream. I know my life is going to get better. I know there are people who are going to climb aboard my boat. I know I’ll have friendship and my friends will party on my boat with me. I know my boat needs more adventures. But I wanted his boat to be as empty as mine, at least for now. I don’t want him to be happy with someone else because I’m not happy. I want his boat to be empty because my boat is empty.
As we spent the day together today, I relived our entire short relationship. I relived every day we spent together. I tried to figure out where I went wrong. When it was him not wanting commitment I was ok, until he pulled another person into his boat. So it had to be me, there had to be something wrong with me. I did something wrong. I pushed him away somehow. It was my fault. I’m too overbearing, I’m not beautiful enough. It’s not that he doesn’t want commitment, he just doesn’t want me.
I’ve been torturing myself with these thoughts all day and I can’t get them out of my head. I’m simply not good enough.